Lower Resolutions
Now is about the time where you’ve established which New Year resolutions you intend on keeping, breaking, or out-right being denied existence. You setup yourself for failure and disappointment out of the guise that you may trick yourself this year and actually do these things you say you will. Foolhardy!
Instead, just set goals that lie wait in the path of your daily savagery so that it requires more effort to avoid them than to implement them. To add a nice slice of self-interest into this exercise, I’ll add the suggestion that your new set of self-improvement exercises include some items that will eventually remove some grievances I have with most of the great unwashed. Grab some note-cards and jot these down so you’ll remember them later:
1. Call this “De-boning the Turkey”:
There are two steps that must occur before you hit the Forward button and make Outlook puke into everyone’s inbox. First, select all the text that appears before the fart-and-dick joke you’re about to send. Be sure to get every witty comment that has been left beforehand including all the “w00ts!” and “feckin A!!!~!!!!!11” entries before the joke. Next, hit the delete key. That’s it. Now you can send us all the YouTube and goatse links you want.
2. Friends vs. Not-Friends:
Never compare your friends to television characters directly to their face. Ever. No matter how funny you think someone is, they do not like being told they’re “just like Chandler”. Chandler is fictional. I am not. Please make this distinction before greeting me.
Also, you don’t need to jab me in the ribs when you quote Homer Simpson. I got it. I saw the same episode as you did. If I don’t heartily laugh with you, it’s because the episode you’re quoting is post-Shark Jump. You should know better. You really disappoint us all. It’s sad. You’re sad. Like the Comic Store guy, but without hope.
3. Drunkalyzer:
Typically with intoxication comes moments of self-reflection and introspection. You become hyper self-aware and your traditional mental barriers have been lifted from your perception. The experience can be truly fulfilling. However, realize that all of this is occurring internally and should not be brought externally. In other words; don’t tell me how drunk you are. I know you’re drunk. I saw you drink and am likely drinking with you. Just ride the Vodka Vulcan Mind Meld and understand that I’m totally with you there, man!
4. HD-ADD:
Just saying that you have A.D.D. does not mean you get to fuck off while I’m talking to you. It’s not a get-out-of-paying-attention-free card that you can lay down on the table when you feel like jabbering in the middle of my sentence. It’s not a triple-syllabic excuse for being a dim-witted jackass. When a dumb-ass like yourself claims to have A.D.D. you’re doing a huge disservice to the kind folks who have to live with the real deal. Stop it. Just stop it.
5. No Public Pooping:
Let’s pretend you work in a small office. Let’s also pretend said office has one stall in the public bathroom. Now let’s pretend that you’re not a total dickwad and how about you don’t take a colossal bowel movement in there at 8:59am. Have some courtesy and push that sucker out before the commute in the morning. If those five coffees you had on the walk into work can’t help but making it so that you have an ass-saxophone solo, do the world a favor and stay outside until the coast is clear.
Secondly, if I walk in while you’re ‘confessing your dinner sins’ don’t try to talk to me. I don’t want to have to answer you through a stall door while there are some indiscernible audible punctuation in our conversation. That’s one commentary track I don’t want to hear, okay?
We’ll end off the suggestions here. These are some quick resolutions that shouldn’t be too difficult to pull off if you put your mind to it. Most other resolutions revolve around doing more of one thing or less of another; typically adding something else on your already full high-school dance-card you call a daily routine. These ones just ask that you try to do just a little less than the bare minimum on a daily basis. From myself and the rest of the dirty humans that have to share the planet with you, I would like to thank you in advance for trying to better yourself, if even just a very, very little bit.
That’s it, I’m done here.
Instead, just set goals that lie wait in the path of your daily savagery so that it requires more effort to avoid them than to implement them. To add a nice slice of self-interest into this exercise, I’ll add the suggestion that your new set of self-improvement exercises include some items that will eventually remove some grievances I have with most of the great unwashed. Grab some note-cards and jot these down so you’ll remember them later:
1. Call this “De-boning the Turkey”:
There are two steps that must occur before you hit the Forward button and make Outlook puke into everyone’s inbox. First, select all the text that appears before the fart-and-dick joke you’re about to send. Be sure to get every witty comment that has been left beforehand including all the “w00ts!” and “feckin A!!!~!!!!!11” entries before the joke. Next, hit the delete key. That’s it. Now you can send us all the YouTube and goatse links you want.
2. Friends vs. Not-Friends:
Never compare your friends to television characters directly to their face. Ever. No matter how funny you think someone is, they do not like being told they’re “just like Chandler”. Chandler is fictional. I am not. Please make this distinction before greeting me.
Also, you don’t need to jab me in the ribs when you quote Homer Simpson. I got it. I saw the same episode as you did. If I don’t heartily laugh with you, it’s because the episode you’re quoting is post-Shark Jump. You should know better. You really disappoint us all. It’s sad. You’re sad. Like the Comic Store guy, but without hope.
3. Drunkalyzer:
Typically with intoxication comes moments of self-reflection and introspection. You become hyper self-aware and your traditional mental barriers have been lifted from your perception. The experience can be truly fulfilling. However, realize that all of this is occurring internally and should not be brought externally. In other words; don’t tell me how drunk you are. I know you’re drunk. I saw you drink and am likely drinking with you. Just ride the Vodka Vulcan Mind Meld and understand that I’m totally with you there, man!
4. HD-ADD:
Just saying that you have A.D.D. does not mean you get to fuck off while I’m talking to you. It’s not a get-out-of-paying-attention-free card that you can lay down on the table when you feel like jabbering in the middle of my sentence. It’s not a triple-syllabic excuse for being a dim-witted jackass. When a dumb-ass like yourself claims to have A.D.D. you’re doing a huge disservice to the kind folks who have to live with the real deal. Stop it. Just stop it.
5. No Public Pooping:
Let’s pretend you work in a small office. Let’s also pretend said office has one stall in the public bathroom. Now let’s pretend that you’re not a total dickwad and how about you don’t take a colossal bowel movement in there at 8:59am. Have some courtesy and push that sucker out before the commute in the morning. If those five coffees you had on the walk into work can’t help but making it so that you have an ass-saxophone solo, do the world a favor and stay outside until the coast is clear.
Secondly, if I walk in while you’re ‘confessing your dinner sins’ don’t try to talk to me. I don’t want to have to answer you through a stall door while there are some indiscernible audible punctuation in our conversation. That’s one commentary track I don’t want to hear, okay?
We’ll end off the suggestions here. These are some quick resolutions that shouldn’t be too difficult to pull off if you put your mind to it. Most other resolutions revolve around doing more of one thing or less of another; typically adding something else on your already full high-school dance-card you call a daily routine. These ones just ask that you try to do just a little less than the bare minimum on a daily basis. From myself and the rest of the dirty humans that have to share the planet with you, I would like to thank you in advance for trying to better yourself, if even just a very, very little bit.
That’s it, I’m done here.
Labels: rant, resolutions
1 Comments:
I loved the "get-out-of-paying-attention-free card" line. Genius!
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