A Spirited Argument

Thoughts from a ghost:

“Here I am, in the great hereafter. I have lived a life of greatness; experiencing many moments of love, laughter, amazement, bemusement, and joy. I have shuffled loose the mortal coil and traversed beyond the reaches of science and philosophy. I found that which lies within Nirvana, Valhalla, and Heaven. The wondrous achievements of mankind displayed before me as a beautiful story told from time itself. The mysteries of the Universe and life itself have become clear to me as a single declaration of purpose and meaning. All that is, ever was or ever will be is with me now for an eternity. I may now lay tranquil with satisfaction in knowing my part of greatness will last forever.

Now it’s time to hide your closets, whisper at night and knock shit over. Boo!”

Lower Resolutions

Now is about the time where you’ve established which New Year resolutions you intend on keeping, breaking, or out-right being denied existence. You setup yourself for failure and disappointment out of the guise that you may trick yourself this year and actually do these things you say you will. Foolhardy!

Instead, just set goals that lie wait in the path of your daily savagery so that it requires more effort to avoid them than to implement them. To add a nice slice of self-interest into this exercise, I’ll add the suggestion that your new set of self-improvement exercises include some items that will eventually remove some grievances I have with most of the great unwashed. Grab some note-cards and jot these down so you’ll remember them later:

1. Call this “De-boning the Turkey”:
There are two steps that must occur before you hit the Forward button and make Outlook puke into everyone’s inbox. First, select all the text that appears before the fart-and-dick joke you’re about to send. Be sure to get every witty comment that has been left beforehand including all the “w00ts!” and “feckin A!!!~!!!!!11” entries before the joke. Next, hit the delete key. That’s it. Now you can send us all the YouTube and goatse links you want.

2. Friends vs. Not-Friends:
Never compare your friends to television characters directly to their face. Ever. No matter how funny you think someone is, they do not like being told they’re “just like Chandler”. Chandler is fictional. I am not. Please make this distinction before greeting me.
Also, you don’t need to jab me in the ribs when you quote Homer Simpson. I got it. I saw the same episode as you did. If I don’t heartily laugh with you, it’s because the episode you’re quoting is post-Shark Jump. You should know better. You really disappoint us all. It’s sad. You’re sad. Like the Comic Store guy, but without hope.

3. Drunkalyzer:
Typically with intoxication comes moments of self-reflection and introspection. You become hyper self-aware and your traditional mental barriers have been lifted from your perception. The experience can be truly fulfilling. However, realize that all of this is occurring internally and should not be brought externally. In other words; don’t tell me how drunk you are. I know you’re drunk. I saw you drink and am likely drinking with you. Just ride the Vodka Vulcan Mind Meld and understand that I’m totally with you there, man!

4. HD-ADD:
Just saying that you have A.D.D. does not mean you get to fuck off while I’m talking to you. It’s not a get-out-of-paying-attention-free card that you can lay down on the table when you feel like jabbering in the middle of my sentence. It’s not a triple-syllabic excuse for being a dim-witted jackass. When a dumb-ass like yourself claims to have A.D.D. you’re doing a huge disservice to the kind folks who have to live with the real deal. Stop it. Just stop it.

5. No Public Pooping:
Let’s pretend you work in a small office. Let’s also pretend said office has one stall in the public bathroom. Now let’s pretend that you’re not a total dickwad and how about you don’t take a colossal bowel movement in there at 8:59am. Have some courtesy and push that sucker out before the commute in the morning. If those five coffees you had on the walk into work can’t help but making it so that you have an ass-saxophone solo, do the world a favor and stay outside until the coast is clear.
Secondly, if I walk in while you’re ‘confessing your dinner sins’ don’t try to talk to me. I don’t want to have to answer you through a stall door while there are some indiscernible audible punctuation in our conversation. That’s one commentary track I don’t want to hear, okay?

We’ll end off the suggestions here. These are some quick resolutions that shouldn’t be too difficult to pull off if you put your mind to it. Most other resolutions revolve around doing more of one thing or less of another; typically adding something else on your already full high-school dance-card you call a daily routine. These ones just ask that you try to do just a little less than the bare minimum on a daily basis. From myself and the rest of the dirty humans that have to share the planet with you, I would like to thank you in advance for trying to better yourself, if even just a very, very little bit.

That’s it, I’m done here.

So a n00b walks into a bar…

Everyone has that one dumb friend, right? That friend who’s so incredibly dense that it’s only worth keeping them around to make fun of them and to make you smart by association.

Well, I don’t. Why? For one reason, it’s hard to steal material from dumb people. Secondly, I like my “dumb friend” stories to be purely fictional so they can be embellished and exaggerated as necessary. What can I say? I’m a lazy story-teller and I hate trying to keep up a lie. That’s probably why I also hate ‘those’ jokes. The ones where some race or social stereotype does something that only he could do in such a purely text-book example of his behavior. Those Newfie, Redneck, Polish, Afghani, Black, Jewish, Mexican, White-boy-so-nerdy, jokes you usually hear from your Uncle at his birthday party after that seventh shot of what he’s callin’ “liquid panty-line remover”. (Gawd, even his sex jokes are mangled.)

It’s incredibly easy to say I hate them because those types of jokes are unjust, morally wrong, bigoted, hateful and ignorant. However, I’ve never claimed to not be any of the above so I’m going to hate them for a completely different reason. They make me work too hard. Yes, low-brow, politically incorrect jokes actually make me have to think.
“Hmm... Joseph is a Jew. But is he incredibly obsessed with money? Not that I know of. He does spend a lot of time in the World of Warcraft marketplace. But so does the rest of my guild. Now I’m confused. Could he have meant that all Undead Elfin Kings are money-grubbin’ bastards?”

Racist jokes ask far too much of your audience. Primarily that they be as ignorant as the one telling the joke. Failing that, to be polite enough not to severely beat the person telling the joke. Lastly, these jokes ask that you be intimately familiar with the stereotypes they are exemplifying. And there’s no Wiki on racist, ignorant, bullshit that I'm willing to troll just to get your dumb “at the gates of Heaven” joke. (That one even asks me to subscribe to a religion with a Judeo-Christian afterlife. Talk about narrowing your audience!)

Instead, just tell rousing, amusing stories about your dumb friend. I call mine “Jimmy” that name is currently unused by my cache of friends. I have no plan as to what would happen if I ever did meet a genuine Jimmy. I hope I never do as he would have to live down to.
Now, let us compare the two styles of jokes:

“Jimmy is so stupid. Last night, he ate an entire box of soap thinking it was some magical warm ice-cream. He’s been farting bubbles all afternoon. Tomorrow I’m going to offer him a Palmolive Oil dressing and get the bathroom cleaned again!”
It’s not a barn-buster but if you let people think Jimmy’s a real boy, it’s something that will eventually be told on his wedding reception.

Compare it to your bigoted joke:
“Two Newfies walk into the bar, one slightly taller than the first. The one turns to the other and asks: “Is tonight the night they serve those fresh pickles with the meal?” The other laughs hysterically and says, “Clearly you don’t get pickles until after you finish your homework!” Both men drink responsibly and walk to their respective homes.”
That’s a terrible joke. Go ahead, tell it to your drunken uncle. He won’t laugh. He won’t breath much, either. He’s slipped into a diabetic coma. Just like those diabetics, always goin’ coma when there’s work to be done.

I’m done here.