A Cold War

"It was a cold, winter's day. The air was crisp with an almost tangible tension. The war had been going on for what seemed like an eternity. Death was the only solution. His death. That Lemur."

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About Us

So, remind me: what's this all about?

Well, for the time being, Big Ball of Rage is a collection of essays, thoughts, and other literary pop-corn composed by the author.

Inside are the thoughts and ideas that have been hand-crafted using a time honored recipe handed down through many generations of authors.

Everything you see and read on these pages are the exclusive ideas and formulations of the author. They do not reflect the ideas held by anyone important or worth bringing into a legal wrangling. Often, the written works barely merit intellectual fisticuffs.

However, that said, beyond this post rests a collection of some very intriguing arrangements of words and sentence structure. Marvel at what can be accomplished when no care is given to proper grammar or even reasonable spelling.

Please enjoy these works as it has been a great source of catharsis for the author. If anything, send him email highlighting some very unhealthy, yet highly sweet cookie recipes.

We Be Dumb

Here's a thought: Every last human on this planet is an idiot. Despite education, Nobel Prizes, cures for disease, and vast advancements in technology and way-of-life we are all fundamentally stupid.

Please hear this out. This not another diatribe from soap-box on high. Instead it's a general statement, which includes the author in its' thesis.

We are all born equal. This is a universally known fact. Well, okay, it's a fact known globally. A few individuals on a planet in the far reaches of this Universe haven't quite came to grasp this idea. But that's beside the point.

What this means, is that from birth, we are all simply a handful of imbeciles running about trying our best not to die too early.

Everything we do in life are small examples of us trying to hide this very obvious fact. Education, learning, and so forth aren't there to better ourselves. They're just there to hide the fact we're morons.

How do I know this? Because we are all plagued by the same symptoms. We've all stared blankly into an open fridge without moving for long stretches of time. We're all equally paralyzed by choice as we vacantly pace the aisles of Blockbuster, unable to decide between equal levels of mediocrity.

Have you ever politely followed the opening instructions on a box of Junior Mints; turning it over to the appropriate side? Have you ever been caught in the 'Chinese Finger Trap' -like torture of opening a plastic baggy at the supermarket? Have you ever stepped into an elevator only to push the call button for the floor you're currently on?

All of the above are examples of when all of our education fails us and are brought crashing downing to a simple, equal level. The true idiot.

The next time you push a 'pull' door, jam the car-keys into the lock of your front door, or curse at an inanimate object; don't feel foolish. Instead, step back, smile and enjoy the small moment at which we all become equal. We're all an idiot sometimes.

Carnage

Cars were created solely with sex in mind. They were designed to get the owner away from home and family so that he/she could finally have sex.

The term "Back-seat Driver" initially carried a totally different connotation for a long while. All was fine until the point at which someone had the misbegotten idea of bringing other passengers along for the drive.

Soon, the world was inundated by wider and longer highways, gift shops and another road-side attraction on every kilometre of your ride.

Cars begat station wagons. Station wagons begat mini-vans. Mini-vans later mutated into the horror now seen as the modern SUV. An abomination of all things vehicular. As efficient and healthy as a coal-powered deep-fryer, the SUV is the lunar rover of the terrestrially grounded Upper-Middle class. A truly bad idea with four-wheel drive.

None of this, mind you, is even comparable to the moron behind the wheel. It is in my opinion that no living creature on this planet can reasonably own, operate, and navigate any motor-vehicle. Though we all possess opposable thumbs, we still lack the ability to properly drive cars. As an alternative to driving, I would like to suggest staying at home, drawing the blinds, and drinking heavily.

The F-Word(s)

I’m a little vexed lately.. I’ve become miffed, pissed, peeved, and perturbed. One could say I’m irritated, irked, and annoyed. More so than usual, I suppose.



Why?

It’s because the common vocabulary has taken a deep slide towards no longer simply being slack but downright limp and loose. No one cares. No one’s doing a single thing. Our kids are hearing this garbage everyday and no one cares. Of course, I’m talking about the f-word. Actually, it’s a couple of f-words.



No one is saying “frustrated” properly. 

And “February” is seven kinds of screwed up.



You see, it’s the fact that too many people are dropping the ‘R’. These two words have been with us for near decades, if I’m to believe their respective etymology, yet somehow we’re dropping letters like they’re 2.0 start-ups.



“Fusstrated” and “Febooary” don’t count. Those aren’t words. Those are the No-Frills of words. They’re the cover-band of words.Those are the cheap, knock-off K-Pro sound-alikes of words. 



Do yourself and your English teacher a huge favour and jam a brand new “R” directly into both of those words and slam them around your lips like you bought them the steak dinner. You owe it to yourself to not sound like a drive-thru squawk box. 



Why not go buck-wild and roll them like a Frenchman?! 

“Fr-r-r-r-r-ustrated”

“Febr-r-r-r-r-r-uary”



Please, I beg you do me this small favour and maybe you can come off not sounding like a total fruck-up!