Office Rage

A man was fired for joking about shooting people. He happened to blog about it in a comic. Then he was called a terrorist and visited by gravely important people. Now we're all up to date, let's begin…

How is one to know what sort of office talk is acceptable?
Firstly, know your audience. If you're in any environment where there are Kitten Calendars, and not for the sake of irony, you have to moderate your tone. Secondly, if someone's talkin' trash like they're in a session of Rainbow Six, try to temper your impressions. Ask HR if the guy has any "In Real Life" friends. If he hangs out with folks at the local pub, he's cool. If he eats alone in the copy-room and hangs out in the Army Surplus on weekends, THAT's when you call the police.

I've realized lately that many people are unable to accept the gradient. There are no grey zones anymore. It's black and white. He's not my friend so he can't have ANY friends. He's not my religion so he's in the WRONG religion. It's not MY humor, so he's a terrorist. Some people are a little TOO passionate about what they do and what they believe. As I say this, it may sound like I'm being hypocritical as I myself am quick to judge and disqualify many of the things around me. But now I'm talking about other people so it's completely valid.

I may huff and puff a lot about things but I use words mainly because (sadly) they're the most ineffectual form of disagreement. As much as I rant, I'm (sadly again) easy to ignore. However, it's when people take action that we get to test the system. Taking action requires more effort and time and therefore more personal commitment. It's when bad ideas are put to action that we get to see some of the aforementioned messed up stuff.

For example, when those folks in Toronto got a couch mailed to them with a racial slur as a colour name, they took action. Lots of action, actually. They reported it to the news. They told their daughter what racial hatred means. They told their friends that the couch hates their kind. Then they sued some people. That's a lot of action for a typo. Sure, it could have been a malicious act on someone's agenda to insult people with furniture packaging. Or it could have been an error in the system that just needed to be dealt with on a boring afternoon break. Which one of those scenarios seems more plausible?

There has to be a sliding scale of outrage and concern that we all informally learn at some point so as not to raise ruckus when no ruckus needs be raised. A kind of social and moral applause meter that rises and lowers according to the impact the event has. Here is one as follows:

Dog bites Man: that's a lawsuit.
Dog bites Dog: that's a $50 bet.
Man bites Dog: that's Spike TV.

I've gone on too far...

How is everyone else?

Wedding Blitz

For those who are married (or are about to be), I salute you. Planning one of those suckers is a true trial of any relationship. As the man, you have to not only care about every decision; but the perfect balance of 'caring'. You can't NOT care about the mind-numbing minutia nor can you have any real influence on the final outcome. Instead, you must give the appearance of it being crucially important to you that you agree with your wife-to-be on every matter.

Here's an argument agreement structure that I think might work when applied generally. When you hear the phrase, "I don't know, what do YOU think?" it is important that you recall the comparative statement that directly preceded it. Listen for subtle emphasis on one of the two items. Then restate her question as a statement, giving supporting evidence that sounds specific but is actually quite general or vague. This method serves two masters; firstly, you agree with a decision she has already made on her own, thusly making it seem that you're still very connected. Secondly, the vagueness allows you the option of changing YOUR opinion and decision as she inevitably will.

Follow this crude example and I can assure you that there will be at least four hours between any 'discussion' that results in you receiving ambiguous guilt trips or "Stink-Eye".

Panty (and Wallpaper) Peeler

Today at the gym there was a thick cloud choking the oxygen from the air. A dense fog of cologne haunted the locker room like a dark demon of musk and desperation.

I think that Axe no longer comes in handy aerosol canisters. Instead, now it comes in a Triple-Coat Finish blasting canister and optional Over-Nite marinade. Let not only your reputation precede you, but a wafting funk of store-bought testosterone.

I suppose since dropping GHB into a girl's tequila is no longer trendy, the next best thing is to cloud her judgment with an antiperspirant. It means she can't smell that you're full of shit.

Does Axe Body-spray actually work? Does it literally peel the panties from the ladies? Are the advertisements actual, documented facts of pure lustful abandon? I doubt it; but I'm sure there are some ethically spotty lawyers who can scare me up some cash on that theory alone.

Anyone want to join my class-action suit?