Golden Gorilla

Steve: "Seriously, what the Hell is the gorilla doing in the server room?"

Jimmy: "Well, he got in there an knocked out our main I.T. guy. Now he's using that mouse as a mace to guard him. I think that means they're married now."

Steve: "What else has he been up to?"

Jimmy: "The gorilla's been uploading LOLcats to all our client's pages and texting "poop" to all our corporate blogs. It's a real mess."


Steve: "Why the Hell did we hire this goddam gorilla?"

Jimmy: "He said he knew Cocoa."

Original image taken from my local Yellow Pages' cover.

Mr. No Pants

I submit to you, gentle reader, that the garment industry today has virtually no idea as to the physiology of a modern male. My evidence? Pants.

The illustration provided (Figure 1.) demonstrates the industry's view of the typical male.

Notice the total lack of hips, pelvis, and crotch. This is helpful in designing the low-rise and slim fit jeans. No ass means the design can flow straight from belt to cuff, all the way around.

Also worthy of note is that the legs are two-dimensional. Perfect for the slim legs and tapered jeans. The foot is the largest part of the human male's legs and therefore only they need to be taken into account. The legs also represent nearly two-thirds of the total height. Plan accordingly!

Finally, notice how cash money virtually shoots forth from the customer. This is a constant state of being for the average male. $250 for "pre-aged" jeans is the working base price for all lower-body apparel.

Okay, so I exaggerate. But honestly, who the Hell are they made for?
And why does that man seemingly need NO room in the crotch?!

Actually, don't answer that.
Just hand my my track pants without laughing.

Nice and Fat

Dating is a baffling and mentally taxing ordeal. As with everything I do in life, on a date I’m usually out-witted, out of place, and completely out of my league. Therefore it should come as no surprise that lady luck sung me a sour note on the social scene just recently. However, it was a cast-off remark during the typical kiss-off that pissed me off. Those two little words that have haunted me since I first noticed girls not noticing me: “Too nice.”

“Nice” is “fat” for guys. Let me explain…

Here’s a mental exercise: replace “nice” with “fat” and imagine it being said to a girl by a guy at the end of a date.

“I really like you. You’re really funny and stuff. We really connect on a whole lot of levels. But... you know.. you’re too fat.”

In reality, it probably is said a lot of times. But only one of these two statements actually makes the other person instantly a jackass. One is mean on the outside, the other is mean on the inside. Which is easier to deem as shallow? Now which is easier to fix?

What especially chaps my ass about this term is that it’s a perfectly justifiable method of disregard. It’s a back-handed compliment pulled out and used as consolation. The implication is that of fault and weakness. It’s really an insult. We know it’s an insult. We read between the lines. It’s spiking the ball on an already cruel victory. It’s just a sweet way to be a total jackass.

So instead, next time ladies, do every nice guy a favor: just call him “too fat”.