LOLscat

Cats are basically the bastards of the domesticated animal kingdom.

The things they do would normally be intolerable in a human. But, somehow when compressed into the personality of a 5lbs fur ball its adorable. Think about it; if your friend took a dump in your laundry room, threw up on your couch, and sat on your chest while you slept, the likelihood of you ever speaking to him again would be remote.

Cats are often thought of as being smarter than dogs because they withhold their affection for you. A dog that is universally loyal to you in spite of all that you do to him seems dim-witted and slow. A cat that avoids being in the same room as you unless fed properly seems saucy and playful.

This is not to say I dislike cats. Not in the least. I'm allergic to all animals; I just prefer to spend my time with one that doesn't look at me with contempt and disgust.

We probably give cats the same leeway that we give our jackass friends. Everyone loves a bastard. As horrible they may treat you at times, in the end there is a genuine relationship. It's just hidden beneath piles of prickish behavior and cat vomit.

I dunno, perhaps I'm being to harsh in the criticism of the cat. Originally I wrote a better post, but I eated it.

Sex, Drugs, and Metamucil

Drug use is a learned behavior. I know this because 80's television PSA's would never lie to me.

First of all, telling teens that drugs are "bad", "wrong" and otherwise verboten only makes them seem all the more cooler. What better way to get back at 'the man' than to smoke the reefer, spark a spliff, or bite the wax tadpole (or whatever the term is now).

Drug use is alluring for these reasons:

1. It makes you feel good
2. Feeling good is illegal
3. Illegal stuff gets you laid
4. Getting laid feels good.

If you want them to stop, you have to make a clear association between drugs and things they already hate. You need an automatic gut reaction to the mere thought of drugs. And there's nothing more gut-reacting than the idea of old people having sex.

That's right: Septuagenarian Porno.
Seeing two old people doing it while smoking pot would completely eradicate drug use among every possible age category below 60. Hell, it might even be a solution to childhood obesity.

Now of course you'd only show this when the kids are ready. Make it part of Driver's Education somehow. Show the reel of the car crashes, then loop in a few minutes of Ethel and Arthur passing the doochie while passing a kidney stone. Sure the kids will be horrified and maybe even scarred emotionally, but that's clearly better than smoking marijuana.

Seriously though, any message that tries to convince kids that this glorious magical mind fruit is Satan's weed is a wasted effort. You can't chastise the kids into behaving properly by drumming the rules into their hormonal crazed minds. Being rational and sober about anything is foreign to them. It just doesn't work. Spend some time on YouTube and you'll see.

Kids never do what's rational or good for them. Hell, they can't even light a fart on fire properly.

Trust me, I know.
And knowing is half the battle.

The Math Doesn't Work

Attention: All but my autonomic functions are now carried out by either calculators, Mac Widgets, or Wikipedia.

It has come to my sudden and humiliating attention that I have off-loaded nearly all of my higher-brain functions to a distributed system of gadgets and wiring. I allow the web and internet to serve as my memory. Calculators, spell-check, and graphing systems serve the entire necessity that used to be my Left Brain.

The fact that even basic arithmetic eludes me to this day would depress my high school Math Teacher even further, if he hadn't already realized that I'm in the arts and a blogger. Two identifiers that show I've completely abandoned reason and order.

What makes this finding all the more humiliating was that I came to this realization in public eye and on record. It was in a rudimentary employment application in which I was to abstract and sum-total a series of numbers. All of them involving cash money. Quarters and nickels mainly. I should have known immediately that I was in a losing struggle. For you see, money and me have a weak relationship; the other barely conscious of what the other actually does.

Like losing a $3 lotto ticket to a blundered skill-testing question, I had to retreat empty handed and feeling ashamed for trying. My giant toe-head hung low in failure this day.

I figure my skills are best left to the realm of the unreal. Drawing pictures of ponies and mastering fonts are the mental challenges best suited for my ilk. I'm in art for a reason: I'm bad at math.

Also, there's rarely live nude models in accounting.

Rated "M" for Meh

"Those viewers watching with small children should be advised: This topic deals with mature subjects"

It's not the small children we have to worry about, it's the giant children that frighten me.

Typically this warning is inserted into a news program for times where the subject is going to include violence or sex. Though granted that most news is only about violence and sex for obvious reasons. The adage of "if it bleeds, it leads" is an honest one because news about a car crash on the I-90 involving a truckload of clowns is far more interesting than the pollen report.

With that in mind, having children in the room when you're watching any news program is abuse. For one reason, you're boring the child into narcolepsy. Secondly, you're stunting their appreciation for information. TV News today more closely resembles the front page of Digg on a Friday; mindless headlines with puddle-deep inspection. The editorial banter from the reporters and journalists is akin to the comments section, but with fewer mentions of 'cock'.

Instead of watching the news you should read the news to your children. This way you get the same feeling as the news-anchor; reading the text out loud to an emotionless, soulless, unblinking set of eyes. The camera always watches, but it never actually looks at you, man!

Or if you're like my family, watching the TV news during dinner is only something to chew to while you wait for another commercial to yell at.

Now, of course if this were an actual emergency, you'd see me running away from my desk.
Good evening, and good night, America!