12 Hours of Christmas

Okay, so I have to work at the Shopping in the Future-tense a straight 12 hours tomorrow. The day before Christmas and I (instead of with family and friends) will be hawking about digital cameras and cordless phones. Granted that this is a First World complaint; but, it still chaps my ass that I have to do it.

If you must go and shop on the very day before Christmas, I suggest the following:

• Abandon All Hope: You will not find what you're looking for. Plain and simple. We sold out of everything on Wednesday. What we have now is the crap that no one else wanted. Don't blame me, blame the fact we had it for a full year before you thought of getting it.

• Feeling Boxed In: Boxing Day is a myth. The deals you get are no where comparable to the Black Friday deals of the States. We sell the legacy and nearly-out-of-stock stuff on deep discount as to get rid of it. The new stuff is coming in January so we want you to buy the old stuff now. Then buy the new stuff again in January.

• Boxing Bonus Round: We actually DO have some stuff in stock right now. However, our managers are actually holding on to it for Boxing Day. We can't touch it until then. This may not be across the board on all stores, but it is in my store. I saw a huge pile of things I needed to make money and sell 'juice'. They purposely crippled my shift to benefit at 4am on December 26. Bastards, eh? Yup, YOU'RE the bastard for shopping on that day. Never forget it.

• Quit Hitting Yourself: The Boxing Day madness isn't the stores' creations. It's yours. Never forget that! We wouldn't be going insane with Door Crashers and 3am line-ups if you didn't show up in bigger crowds each year. Your insatiable thirst for gimmicks and cheap crap has created this feeding frenzy. Of course, like the conscienceless dealers they are; the stores happily oblige selling you crap and making the ne'er-do-wells operate the tills. We curse you.

• Things to stop asking for:

- Anything made by Nintendo. Why? We sold out of everything that isn't a game three weeks ago. No new shipments will arrive before January.

- Sale Items: The products that were advertised on Friday's flyer in any department. Why? Again, you're here at literally the last minute and expect no one else thought of coming in before you? We sold out of everything good or affordable on Thursday. Now you have $1800 cameras or small, crappy televisions to choose from. Hope your loved ones like gift cards!

• The Great Unwashed: I know you're not doing this on purpose. I am a last minute shopper myself. I know the trouble it can be to get out and shop; especially for things that are popular or new. But resign to the fact that you ARE shopping last minute. Accept the level of the field you are entering. You're gonna get screwed over. In fact, both of us will be.

Because as you stand there yelling at me about how the Wii must be shoved up Jimmy Hoffa's ass, I'm wondering why I'm not at home with the people who actually love me. And I'm hating you for it.

Now go hit the stores before my shift starts.

I Hate Me

So it's come to this.
Tonight I loathe myself for becoming that which I most hate.

Well, not the ultimate hate of hates; but I do dislike what I've done.
In a desperate attempt to appease the dark gods of retail, I pressured a warranty into a sale. Granted, I actually gave her a free leather case and set of batteries with the purchase, the mere fact that I pushed the sale is enough for disgust.

I also had to give sales away to other sales clerks for fear that the sale would effect my 'margins'. I don't even know what that means! Yet the mere thought of one awakening from its' eternal slumber, roused by something I had done or had failed to do, struck a cold fear into my heart.

So here I sit in knotted guilt, torn between two identical deaths. One where I appease my employer and push empty air into a customer's palette or I give into my own desires to be an actually helpful human being. One ends in the end of my employment. The other is an end to my humanity.

Neither seems profitable. Neither will wash away its' greasy stain from my soul or my permanent employee record.

You will be my witness, gentle reader, that if I do not break these shackles of sales by the coming of the New Year that I shall cease to be human.

Or at least I'll have a better understanding of drug abuse.

Manage Mental

I have to just quickly say that I don't think I've ever been so rudely addressed as I have tonight by my 'manager'. I'm honestly 'hurt'.

I'm working a short Christmas stint at a Big-Box electronics franchise here in Canada. You know the one. Let's say it deals with shopping in the future tense.

Normally I mockingly take things personally with rabid enthusiasm merely for the purpose of comic effect. If you know me or this website you've seen the fun I can have. Though tonight I am utterly and completely offended by the treatment by the management. It's passive-abuse; a term I'm creating here for the first time ever.

They speak down to me like no other human has before. I am not exaggerating. This is the worst I've ever been treated in my life. Truly so.

I've been routinely addressed as one would a child who just shat directly into a DVD player and fed the dog Play-Doh and beer. Or, as close as one could approximate such an event. It's demoralizing and offensive.

I really have no punch-line in here. I'm just feeling completely and totally insulted. To be honest, it's the most offended I've felt in my life.

It's disgusting and I look forward to they day I can quit.

Take the Wind Out of Their Sales

Okay, so the buying season is in full gear. I'm here to just impart some quick tips on buying tech from a Big-Box. Why? Because I'm currently working retail (don't ask) and I learned a few tips of the trade. Here we go in no particular order.

• U Got No Game: There will be no one to help you in the games, music, or movie sections. These areas pay no commission and actually hurt your sales rating. Most veterans refuse to go near this section or even process them in an order.

• Just Spiffy!: A few items get tagged on occasion with extra commission. For some arcane reason this is called "spiff". This is done by either a manufacturer or the outlet themselves. This means the item the sales guy is really hyping may not actually be the best product for you. It just pays the most that week.

• Extended Finger: Warranties are, if my management is accurate, the ONLY way these companies make any money. At all. Now, some are actually worth it. Cordless phones: Yes. Digital Cameras: ask for a bundle. Get free memory or a case if you buy it.

Otherwise, make them pay. On the second day of the second year, hassle the company for whatever your warranty will allow. Go crazy with it. Just know that you could be out of said product for two months while they evaluate it. The trick is, if everyone were to actually use the warranty at any point, they'd go bankrupt.

It's like the inverse of SPAM. They count on only 2% of the people actually using it. Otherwise, they wouldn't offer it as they'd have to pay out to the tech department or for replacements on everything you have bought from them.

• Anger Management: Two things happen when you ask for a manager. Either she pretends to scold us in front of you and then we laugh at you when you leave. OR... you give her a reason to be a total prick to us for the rest of the week. Neither of them get you your DVD player any cheaper. So just knock it off.

• Self-Help: We're forced to harass you. We obviously know you're just browsing and we feel like a jackass when we have to constantly ask you how you are. Just be polite about. We won't steal your soul if you make eye-contact with us. Just say "Thank You" and we'll both move on.

• Yelling Doesn't Help: We're barely paid enough to be there let alone care. Yelling at us because we don't carry the adapter to your cell-phone won't make it magically appear in our warehouse. We just give you crappy service and bitch about you when you leave.

• The Commish: Yes I'm on commission. Yes I want to sell you stuff. I'm not greedy, I'm just trying to keep this job. Management has a series of magical numbers. If I don't sell those numbers, I get fired. I'm not extra greedy because I work commission. I just have a greedy boss who hates to pay even minimum wage. Don't worry, we both hate me at this point.

That may not be overly helpful but it makes me feel better. I want to go back to freelance work. I may have been whoring myself out, but at least I liked my pimp.

I'm done here.